still getting past it

— पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ सतहत्तर — Shobhit seemed to be doing a little better yesterday. This may have just been a difference between his internal feelings and his external behavior, but it really felt like the empathy he received from a number of people at TPS, where he went to volunteer yesterday as a bartender during "Generals" (general auditions that have the potential to lead to parts in plays across the region), made a significant difference. By the time he picked me up from work last night, he was much less down than he had been Sunday evening, and was even smiling and joking with other customers a couple of times when we were at Costco. He did tell me, on the car ride down there, that he had not slept well Sunday night. "That's understandable," I said. I wouldn't have slept well at all either, in his position. Who would? I still think there's a couple of salient points that really need to be kept in mind. First, and this is not at all to diminish the devastating emotional impact of being let go not just from a play halfway through rehearsals, but from the lead part—but, this is still something that happens. You take the time to process, even to grieve, but then you pick up and keep going. I really hope Shobhit continues auditioning. He may need to take a break from it for a while, which would also be understandable. But as horrible a blow as this was, I don't think it means he needs to give up. Shobhit even said at one point on Sunday evening that he feels like he's been set back all the way to where he was in his acting career in 2016, which was when gave up on pursuing acting in Los Angeles and moved back to Seattle. I honestly don't think it's quite like that. This is a massive setback, to be sure, but the kinds of local and regional opportunities that were there before he was cast in this part are still there. It's true that this part had the potential to open up doors for him like never before, but this is also the nature of acting: it's a pursuit riddled with crushing setbacks, over and over again, and the only way through is to keep pushing against them. Second, there remains the issue of basically zero transparency regarding how and why the decision to let Shobhit go was made. It's worth noting again, just as I did in yesterday's post, that his agent suggested he send an email asking for a detailed explanation. They had to have had his replacement lined up well before Shobhit even went to rehearsal on Sunday, and it all feels like Shobhit was unnecessarily jerked around. Did the director have doubts about Shobhit's fit in the part from the start? If so, why the fuck was he cast in the first place? Given the end result here, he would have been far better off had he never gotten the part at all. Shobhit, as a brown skinned immigrant, was going to give this part a very interesting spin, by the way—which won't be there with this White guy who is now in the part. There are all kinds of things we could speculate as to what the issue or issues might have been with Shobhit, but we won't know exactly what it was unless he ever gets told. Mondays are the day off every week from rehearsals, just like they are for typical stage performances. This means tonight is the first rehearsal without Shobhit, and presumably with the new guy. I'm still dying to know whether the rest of the cast has been informed yet, or if they're all going to be blindsided by the news at rehearsal tonight, all of them rehearsing with a completely different guy than the one they've been rehearsing with for the past two weeks. If it's the latter, will he get texts or calls from any of them? This whole situation just feels so fucked all the way around. I'm still waiting to hear back from the Box Office about getting refunds, as I will only inform others who bought tickets until I can offer instructions on what to do, if indeed they can do anything. Box Office hours only start at noon on Tuesdays each week, though, so I didn't necessarily expect any response before that, and I do wonder if there will have to be any behind-the-scenes discussions about how to handle what is likely to be a wave of refund requests. — पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ सतहत्तर — — पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ सतहत्तर — We did end up buying a few things at Costco, but we went there for two key other reasons besides regular shopping: I ordered my next year's supply of contact lenses through their Optemetry department, paying with my FSA Card and then I'll have to submit a claim to Aetna for reimbursement because Costco doesn't work directly with Aetna. On the upside, this should result in my getting a cash refund for something I used my FSA Card to cover. I wonder how successfully anyone manages to run a racket like this? The other thing was the returning of my "weather resistant" shoes. I really liked them, but I liked them when they worked. They actually were pretty weather resistant—until a crack wore through the sole on the left shoe and then rainwater seeped through it to get my sock wet. "Weather resistant," indeed. I just bought these shoes there last November! Granted, I got them for only $25 and God knows how many children put them together some unknown place on the other side of the world; I probably should have known to expect this. Except, of course, for how much people lionize Costco as a company overall. The upside is that they'll let you return product for a refund—in this case even though I had been using it for three months. Granted, three months is a ridiculously short time for shoes to wear a hole through the sole. I would have just bought a new pair of the same shoes, actually, but they are no longer selling them—such is the case with tons of the stuff Costco sells: they only had it for a limited time. I just bought a different new pair of shoes. These ones are slip-ons, which I prefer anyway; I love that I'll no longer have to spend time tying and untying shoes just because it's raining. On the other hand, these shoes are going to be a lot less protective when it is raining. I mean, at least for now they won't be leaking straight through the bottom. It did occur to me, though, that I could just make this my new system: maybe I should just return these ones also, when they inevitably wear out? — पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ सतहत्तर — We drove home, Shobhit made dinner, and Shobhit attended a Zoom tax class of some kind of members of SAG-AFTRA. (Speaking of which, with Shobhit not being at rehearsal, small sliver lining: I won't have to go to the Actor Awards viewing party on Sunday without him after all.) I wound up in an unusually lengthy text exchange with Valerie, my dad's cousin and the late, great Auntie Rose's daughter, who has been participating in my Birth Week every years since Auntie Rose passed away in 2020. We settled on an activity and a date for our regular Birth Week activity, and she even said she'd like to come to the birthday party planned at Dad and Sherri's in Olympia on May 2. That made me really happy. I'm thinking of this as a "family birthday party," at which there is a blanket invitation to all family. I am inviting just a few select friends, the ones I am so close to that I consider them family: Danielle, Gabriel, Barbara (who I am flying out from Louisville), and Laney. Laney is the only person I have asked to give me anything for my birthday, aside from the ask for Dad and Sherri to host the party: I asked her to write me a song. She plans to perform it at the party, possibly accompanied by ukulele, with which she's been taking weekly music lessons. (Not just because of my party; that's coincidental, but also useful.) I spoke to Dad and Sherri briefly on the phone a couple of days ago, and although I had already told Dad that Barbara will be there, he had totally forgotten to mention it to Sherri. I mentioned Barbara in passing, and Sherri was like, "Barbara's coming?" She was excited, as I knew she would be. She said every time she sees Barbara she thinks it's going to be the last time. But then there comes another opportunity. I'm not sure when another one might happen after this, though. I'm not going to have a 50th birthday party again, and by the time I'm 60, Barbara will be 83 (and Sherri will turn 84 the same month I turn 60). Then again, you never know: Barbara's stamina, especially in the face of a defiant refusal to get medical care of any kind since the eighties, continues to be astonishing. — पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ सतहत्तर — . . . Okay, well I just got back from my lunch break, and I had an email from the theater Box Office. The woman said she would refund me the money I paid for a companion ticket on March 22 and I can direct others to either their box office email or phone number to do the same. I can't say this made me feel good, but at least I'm relieved the response did not make me feel worse. Except for one part: the email signature includes a little banner ad for this very play, with a photo of the cast looking at the camera—presumably meant to be looking at the character Shobhit had been cast to play, but now will not be. That same photo is now on the play's landing page. Honestly it does make my heart sink a little just to see that. — पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ सतहत्तर — [posted 12:37pm]

coming to grips

— पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ छिहत्तर — Today I find myself wondering: is it worse to get kicked while you're down, or to crash while you're flying high? I suppose there's probably nothing in particular to recommend one scenario over the other. The latter is what has what just happened to Shobhit. This was the first lead part he had ever been cast in, and it was incredibly exciting. Things were looking up for his acting career, particularly in the Pacific Northwest region. It had to be a giant boost to his confidence, which is now utterly destroyed. I'm glad I wrote all that out last night. I don't have the time or the bandwidth for it today. I will say, though, that as the evening wore on, Shobhit started to say things like, "I must have been really awful for them to fire me." I told him he can't think that way, but he wasn't really hearing it. I noted that he's been in other productions and done really well, and naturally his reply was, "But not in the lead." I really feel like he's been treated unfairly, but who else is going to see that? Laney, after reading my blog post which links to the play page already showing the replacement guy in the lead part, noted something I hadn't even registered: Shobhit was replaced by a White guy. Now, to be sort of fair, whatever the reason they had for replacing Shobhit, this guy might have simply been the best they had available. It still feels a little like insult to injury. This production had so much potential with a nonwhite immigrant actor in this particular part, and all of that is now being wiped away. I have no idea how quickly the rest of the cast has or will be notified of this casting change, but I really hope they contact Shobhit with some semblance of support. I'd say that presumably they're being notified before they all return for rehearsal tomorrow night, but who the fuck knows? They updated the website so quickly after Shobhit's rehearsal yesterday that they had to have known before yesterday's rehearsal, in which case it's bonkers they did any rehearsal with him at all. Was this replacement guy contacted some days ago to see if he could be on standby for a potential recasting, I wonder? I can only feel like Shobhit has been really jerked around here. I remain stunned that Shobhit was given no indication that things were not going well, and indeed as far as he could tell the rehearsals were going well. Something only occurred to me just as I was writing this. I wonder if any part of this was not the director's own doing? Could a production company board, or comparable entity, have forced his hand on this decision? Well, whatever: the director of this play is also the production company's Artistic Director, so he'd have to have had a hand in the decision. And there's still something to be said for how it was handled—in a way that was deeply disrespectful. I emailed Gabby this morning about the news, so she would know that I'm waiting to hear back on protocol regarding whether people who bought tickets will want refunds. In retrospect it might have been better to wait a bit to tell her, as although I knew she was in Mexico the past several days, I had totally forgotten she was in Puerto Vallarta—where chaos has erupted at the instigation of cartels in the wake of El Mencho's killing. Gabby messaged our team over Teams this morning, and I asked if she feels like she's in a safe place. Her mom lives down there, but not in Puerto Vallarta proper, so she's with her mom and outside of where things like busses being set on fire is happening. But, she was meant to fly home out of the Puerto Vallarta airport yesterday and her flight was canceled. It sounds like she has already re-booked a flight home, at least. I was even scheduled to have my Annual Performance Review meeting with her tomorrow, which she rescheduled this morning, pushing it to Thursday. It didn't even occur to me when I first saw that change that this could be why. By way of sort-of apology, I messaged her directly to say that had I realized where she was, I would have waited to email her; she has much bigger things to worry about right now. She replied that she had just read my email "and my heart sank." She even said "That might be worse than what's going on here," which I think was half-joking (she ended it with a smiley face, though before she also added "I'm so sorry!!"), but I told her I would disagree with that but still thanked her. I would argue that personal safety trumps crushing disappointment, but I suppose it's also all contextual. I've still never been to Mexico, and people have assured me before that even though it can be very unsafe not far outside of Puerto Vallarta, it's totally safe inside the city. What's happened over the past few days feels like that's a rather unconvincing assurance. What does it matter if this is an incredibly rare occurrence, if we can see how quite easily the cartels can scare the shit out of all the tourists in one of the cities they've been assured they'll be fine visiting? And this doesn't even acknowledge how they terrorize locals in the area. Danielle posted to Facebook about how it's her favorite Mexican city, with a broken heart emoji. She goes there frequently and has talked about eventually moving there. This probably hasn't deterred her desire to do so, but it does make me worry more about her safety there. Maybe if the Mexican government takes out a powerful cartel leader, they should be a little more foreful in warning people that there could be violent and dangerous retribution for it. Between Puerto Vallarta and Shobhit getting let go from his play, this has been the wildest start to a week that I have experienced in a long, long time. — पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ छिहत्तर — — पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ छिहत्तर — And I still have only updated you on my weekend from Saturday evening through this morning. I had no socializing with others the rest of the weekend prior, but I did still do a lot. On Friday, right after work, I took myself to see Crime 101 at AMC Pacific Place—and really quite liked it. I went home and wrote my review while Shobhit was at his rehearsal in Tacoma, having no idea they were going to let him go in two days. On Saturday, I actually went to a Town Hall for the 43rd Legislative District, featuring my three State Representatives: Shaun Scott, who is 41 and in the seat former Speaker Frank Chopp vacated; Nicole Macri, who is 52 and the latest in a consecutive line of openly gay representatives in a single seat that's lasted longer than any other seat in the world (since 1987); and Jamie Pedersen, who is 57 and is now in his 20th year in the State Legislature. I mention all of their ages because a funny thing happened with Rep. Shaun Scott. He referred to a constituent he spoke to as "an elderly gentleman in his fifties or sixties," and this was met with a wave of groans from the audience, with a generous sprinkling of laughter mixed in. At the time I thought he was in his thirties, which made the gaffe only slightly more understandable, but a 41-year-old calling someone in their fifties elderly? Even I'm about to turn 50 in a couple of months so I kind of thought: Excuse me? I still thought it was funny and laughed, but someone might want to get this guy hip to the average age of Town Hall attendees. There was something about him, too, that made me wonder if he is at least on some subtle level neurodivergent. His relative youth had no effect on how impressively knowledgeable and well spoken he was on virtually any issue that was brought up, though. All three of them know their shit. The people in that room really want them to pass the "Millionair's Tax," which I am also all for, though there could be reasonable debate as to how to do it and what to do with the funds. That said, within a day my niece who lives in Eastern Washington shared a Facebook post urging people to sign an online petition to the State Legislature stating they oppose the tax: "It never stays 'just for the rich,'" the writer of the original post said. Give me a fucking break. Do these people have any idea how much less percentage of their earnings rich people pay in taxes than middle-class or poor people do? The very least we can do is equalize things. I clicked right through without comment, and selected "pro" on the petition. — पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ छिहत्तर — An update from this morning: Shobhit is doing five hours of volunteer work for TPS this morning and early afternoon, which meant he would be around a lot of other people who work in regional theater. I really hoped he would find some support there, and it sounds like he found a bit: I asked him if it was going okay and if he was doing okay, and he said yes. He said three or four people gave him hugs, and these included both his boss and his agent. I was really glad to hear that. I guess his agent suggested writing an email to the production company asking for a detailed explanation, which does immediately make me worry about any potential for contentiousness, but it is also an absolutely reasonable suggestion. — पाँच हज़ार नौ सौ छिहत्तर — [posted 12:30pm]