My tweets

  • Mon, 6:24: This year’s Christmas miracle is the surprise appearance of three new cousins! Honestly I thought that family already had more than enough kids but whatever. 🎄🐐🐐🐐
  • Mon, 7:53:
    Dearest loved ones in Arizona,


    love, Matthew
  • Mon, 8:21: Shobhit: “If you need anything cut, I can help you today.” Sherri: “All right. I need my toenails cut.”
  • Mon, 10:21: Wait, what?
  • Mon, 10:51: My parents know what we like!
  • Mon, 14:03: I hope all your Christmases aren’t as dull as mine.
  • Mon, 18:29: So I spent a couple of hours this afternoon baked to the hilt after taking ONE HIT on a vape pen my stepmother offered me. She didn’t bother telling me until after the fact that it was just something she’d found, filled with a weed liquid, left behind in a booth by a customer at the restaurant — but she did take this picture of me waiting out the intensity on her living room couch. Maybe next Christmas she’ll offer me a hypodermic needle she finds discarded in the parking lot! 🎄😶