The Regiftinators — Fruitcake Enterprises

— पांच हजार तीन सौ उनतीस —

Last night was Action Movie Night at the Braeburn Condos theater and community kitchen . . . my ninth this year; Shobhit's, let's say, seventh-and-a-half. When Shobhit was in India, he missed it on October 19, when the chosen movie was called District B13, which, in retrospect, may have been the worst of the movies we've attended so far.

For a whole lot of the time, I really thought this week's choice, called The Retaliators, was the worst by a mile. I was so checked out of it, in fact, that I even texted Shobhit: This movie is so bad. I'm jealous you got away before it started.

He "got away" because he came down for the dinner portion of the evening, but then left before the movie started. He needed to wait for some legal phone calls from India regarding the transfer of shares from his late father's name into his mother's. I learned later that a big part of this process was exhausting all options for any possible descendant to make a claim to it—right down to putting an ad in the newspaper, apparently. Shashi Ji has only three heirs, though, her three children: Puneet, Shobhit, and Pooja. Had one of them decided they wanted the shares, they could have challenged this process, but I guess since they all agreed it should go to their mother, in the end the process seemed to have gone smoothly. As of last night, anyway.

Technically he could have stayed for the movie. He still hadn't gotten his calls by the time we were done, and in the end, I think he would have enjoyed it—or the last third of it or so, anyway. I texted him too soon. I mean, don't get me wrong, the movie was still terrible. But the last third became terrible in a genuinely entertaining way, with ridiculous, over-the-top, hilariously gruesome violence.

Before it got that point, I checked its score on MetaCritic: 48, "mixed or average reviews." Notably better than I was expecting at that point, actually; I really thought it would be something in the 20s, or 30s at best. Then, after the movie ended, Tony (who did not pick the movie) chimed in with, "This got like an 89 or 90 on Rotten Tomatoes." I was like, what? He did mention it was based on "two reviews." This was an exaggeration: there are 42 reviews aggregated there, actually (only three from "Top Critics," among those one liked it and the other two didn't) and the overall score there is actually a stunning 88%.

This gets into the utter lack of utility in Rotten Tomatoes scores, though. 88% only says that percentage of critics "liked it," but does not gauge it in terms of to what degree. As in, most people can think a movie is merely "pretty good" and that can result in a score that makes it sound like a masterpiece. There's a deep issue of subjectivity among MetaCritic scores too, but I find their metrics more reliable, as they assign each review a 1-100 score based on how much the critic like the movie, and then average them. A score of 48/100 is far more reflective of this movie's actual quality than 88/100.

Shobhit also asked me later, "Who's in it?" and I was like, "Nobody." It's truly a cast of nobodies. I guess even that is a matter of perspective; the lead, playing a young-ish church pastor who winds up slaughtering a bunch of escaped crazed criminals in the woods, was Michael Lombardi, a relatively attractive guy Shobhit may very well have recognized: according to IMDb, one of the projects he's "known for" is the series Rescue Me, which I know had its fair share of fans. (That ended in 2011, mind you; aside from a guest spot on one episode of CSI: Miami in 2012, I don't recognize a single one of the many projects he's been on since.) Then there's the lead singer of rock band Papa Roach, Jacoby Shaddix, who I know nothing about but he has a small part in the movie and was immediately recognized by multiple guys in the theater last night when his name came up in the opening credits. That was the extent of any recognizability among the cast, though. The acting was very bad across the board, far worse than its kind of surprisingly decent cinematography. The writing was bad, but seemingly kind of deliberately so.

It's also set during the holidays. Chris G., whose choice the movie was this week, evidently hadn't seen it either. He confessed when the movie ended that he had just done a search for "Christmas horror." Very little of the movie is all that Christmasy; we see a couple of Christmas Trees as part of the set designs, and one scene takes place in a Christmas Tree lot. In the more action-packed third act, an old man comes weirdly close to putting his Christmas Tree through a shredder (call that "Chekov's Shredder") before taking the ornaments off. I think "Christmas Horror" could have yielded better choices than this, honestly: Rare Exports; Anna and the Apocalypse; Gremlins would be an especially good choice. I just checked the log and none of these movies have ever been chosen. It's possible Chris chose this one because it was released just last year.

Anyway. By the end, I was thinking that had Shobhit stayed, he would have been giddy with how much he loved the proceedings. I had to admit the movie became weirdly fun by that point, with some surprisingly clever editing and narrative structure, at least for a B-movie of this caliber.

When Shobhit was there for dinner, there had been about eight of us; a middle-sized crowd this week. When he left there were seven of us actually watching the movie. Let's see if I can remember them all. Tony, Jake, Chris G., Derek, Ryan, Chris B, and myself. I actually remembered all except Chris B, whom I had to find in this week's email RSVPs. I'm racking my brain now and unable to picture the other Chris, although I'm sure when I see him again I'll be like "Oh, right! Him!"

I made the food offering between Shobhit and myself this time. I didn't realize we had only one packaged pasta left and it was large shells, which at first disappointed me. Then I realized I could use a somewhat clever approach: make pasta sauce as usual, but carefully stuff each shell with it along with (basically on top of) a little chunk of the gorgonzola cheese I was able to bring home from work last week. That works! And, nearly all of it got consumed—a 16oz package of pasta shells with a 32oz container of pasta sauce, with sauteed fresh vegetables added (onion, asparagus, mushrooms, and Field Roast veggie sausage). Shobhit and I ate the most, but almost everyone else had some; in the end there was only enough leftovers for one lunch, which I had at work today.

— पांच हजार तीन सौ उनतीस —

— पांच हजार तीन सौ उनतीस —

In other news, I got a call from Lea, of all people, just as I was shutting down my computer to leave from work yesterday. She wound up hanging up and having Gabriel call me back, convinced that the technical difficulties were on their end, but it was definitely my stupid Apple AirPods—I can always hear the person on the other line just fine, but it's often the case that they can't hear me when I have them in. It's a real pain in the ass, and I took them out to talk directly into the phone while Gabriel called.

Still, the conversation started before that transition took place. Lea said they couldn't use their tickets to Moulin Rouge! at The Paramount Theater, and did I want them. I was stunned. I knew for months this show was coming to town, and even considered getting tickets as a Christmas present for Shobhit—he has long adored the 2001 film on which it's based, so I figured he would really enjoy this show, which I have always wanted to see as well. I even once had a conversation with Gabriel and Lea about it earlier this year, because I was lamenting how much floor seats were for a show I figured I would want closer seats for, and they had already seen it when they visited New York a few years ago and assured me it was also great to watch from the balcony. Even when it came to cheap(er) balcony seats, though, we are now in the midst of serious budget belt tightening in preparation for our February trip to Australia (having loaned $1,600 to a friend who has now gone far past returning any of it when initially promised has only made it more critical to save where we can), so I just could not justify the expense. Shobhit even recently expressed interest in a brief run coming to the Moore Theater of an unauthorized parody of the Harry Potter series, and I looked that up to discover two tickets even to that would run more than a hundred bucks. Not even that was in the cards.

So, when Lea asked if I wanted these tickets, and that they were for Friday when I had no plans already made, I was like, "I would die for those tickets!" Hell, I would get into a cage match with all of their friends for those tickets! I'd probably lose, but, you know what I mean. Would I eat pussy for those tickets? Hmm. Let me think about it.

Apparently they're just too busy to make it, and, it sounds like, still not quite comfortable enough to attend a public event like this. This isn't even the first time they have offered local Broadway touring production tickets they could not use, and I was like, "Why do you guys keep buying tickets you can't use?" It seems like such a waste . . . but, then I was told they had season tickets. They never specified this part, but knowing both of their continued aversion to attending public indoor entertainment events (they still don't go to movie theaters, or at least Gabriel certainly doesn't), I'm guessing the scenario is something like this: when 2022-23 season tickets went on sale, Lea probably got her season tickets thinking, or hoping, it would feel safe enough by now to go regularly to the theater. Plenty of people clearly feel safe enough now, but there remain people who don't—and these are not unreasonable people. (I don’t know if Shobhit will, probably not, but I will certainly be wearing a mask. We all have our thresholds, and honestly I am more concerned about the flu than covid at the moment; either way I am very happy we are both vaccinated for both.) I have a feeling that were it not for covid still spreading pretty steadily, they might still have gone to the show. Or maybe not; Lea seems to be ridiculously busy with work, like, all the time. In any case, they had multiple layers of barriers to making it.

The only thing that would have prevented me from taking the tickets would have been having other plans I could not get out of. That was indeed the case the last time they had tickets on offer, although I can't remember now what it was for or when it was. Maybe when I was in Idaho and then Leavenworth in September? I don't know. I just know I had a disappointing scheduling conflict that I don't have now.

I really thought Shobhit would be excited about this, and instead I was meant with resentment for not checking to make sure he didn't have other plans. Except, when does he have other plans? Well, he needs to record an audition tape, which I will now help him do tonight after my online movie watch party with Kwanteria. To be fair, I probably should have run it by him first before saying yes, but he would not be done with work for another couple of hours and it struck me as too good an opportunity to pass up. I didn't want this jaw dropping opportunity to default to some other bastard!

I'm sensing some level of excitement in him about the show anyway, as he already insisted he's going to have to dress up for the show, in a tone that indicated he was looking forward to it. He tried to convince me I was wrong when I asserted that it wasn't required and Seattle's audiences are widely known to be casual. I'm quite right about this, at least in that dressing nice is fine but not required; Seattle Theatre Group itself acknowledges this: This is Seattle, and our audiences tend to be less formal than might be expected in other cities. Granted, they immediately follow that with, We would suggest dressing as if you were going out to a nice dinner. This is still Seattle though, and people here dress casually for a nice dinner, plenty even in shorts in nicer weather—shorts being listed among acceptable attire right there in that same section of the STG FAQ page. In fact they only things they prohibit are "exposed underwear or bikini tops/bottoms." That leaves a hell of a lot to be considered acceptable. It's not like suit jackets are required, although I'm guessing Shobhit will wear one, and he won't be out of place either way.

I do wonder how many of the same songs from the movie are included in the show. I think I heard they have updated its "jukebox musical" element with more contemporary pop songs, and Shobhit will definitely be disappointed if his favorite songs are omitted. I just checked the track list in the Broadway Cast Recording, and I see it does include both "Your Song" and—probably Shobhit's favorite—"Come What May," so I think we're good. Ooh! Apparently it also includes a cover of Sia's "Chandelier." I definitely look forward to that.

I thanked Gabriel and Lea several times. "It's like a Christmas miracle," I said. Gabriel was like, "Merry Christmas! For the next three Christmases!" I said, "And you know what I got you? Jack shit!" Gabriel likes to kind of jokingly rub that in, but I think he actually appreciates that I never get him a gift just out of annual obligation. Every few years I'll get him something, if I happen to run across something that makes me think, Gabriel needs to have this. I actually last got him a Christmas gift probably more recently than he remembers (because it was also more recently than even I remembered, until I did a search of my Flickr account), back in 2019, when I got him some Amy's vegetarian pot pies from PCC. Side note: the "I 🧡 WIENERS" coaster he gave me that year remains in frequent use on our coffee table at home. Oh shit, I forgot we actually got them a gift just last year, a bottle of bourbon we gave them on New Year's Day! I guess he forgot that too. What an ingrate!

I haven't looked up the value of our tickets (yet?) and would not share it here anyway because it would be tacky. You see? Sometimes I can conscientiously avoid being tacky! Or maybe I can get halfway there by noting that, in all likelihood, the combined value of these tickets exceeds the combined value of every gift I have given Gabriel in the 27 years I have known him. I still kind of can't get over it. Audition tape or not, it would have been bonkers-stupid for me not to accept it. I told them at another point, "This has, like, made my year." That's not an exaggeration. I can't remember the last time I was this thrilled by a random turn of events. Maybe the end of the week of Election Day 2020, when it finally became clear Joe Biden had won, after I really thought President Fuckwit had. That was more of a relief than a thrill though. I think I'm getting into splitting-hairs territory here. It's not a contest! Take a break from ranking everything, Matthew! I'll just revel in the moment. This is me, reveling. Ahhh.

— पांच हजार तीन सौ उनतीस —

[posted 12:27 pm]